Links: Challenging Times

Listening Skills

Words account for 7% of communication

Tone accounts for 38% of communication.

Body language accounts for 55% of communication

3 types of listening:

1. Persuasive Listening
2. Directive Listening
3. Attentive Listening (Non-Directive)

What is the goal of your listening: To Control or To Connect?

A. Persuasive Listening: Wanting to Lead

The basic intention is to get others to see the world the way you see, and to do this as quickly as possible.

B. Directive Listening: Wanting to Clarify

The basic intention is to lead others as efficiently as possible into telling you what you judge to be the most important aspects of their story or situation, by asking lots of questions about areas of interest to you. This stance is often employed by experts, but be aware of the control. It may cause you to miss key points of information.

Advantages:

• Quickly focuses conversation
• Allows you to take control

Disadvantages

• Can stifle crucial information
• Leave speaker feeling unheard, or with secrets.
  • Why questions (Challenging or blaming)
  • Leading questions (Don't you think....)
  • Closed questions (Giving choices of "a" or "b")
  • Multiple questions (Floods the respondent)
  • Open questions (Who, what, where, when, how

C. Attentive Listening (Non-Directive)

The intention is to let others tell their story by encouraging it.

• Quick
• Pure
• Less review
• Less defensiveness, fear and resistance

Non-directive skills

Looking, Listening, Matching and Tracking

• Looking: for incongruence
• Listening:
• Matching: energy, mood, posture, facial/body movements, style of communication, topic of discussion, tone, volume, breathing, distance.
• Tracking: See - Think - Feel - Goals - Plans

Acknowledging

• Acknowledging messages: Nod, eye contact, Uh-huh, short comments, body language.

Inviting more information:

• "Tell me more..."
• "What more can you tell me?"
• "What else do I need to know?"

Checking out your interpretations/Clarifying confusing information

• "I heard you say ...., but you also said this ... - can you help me understand how they fit together?"

Summarizing to ensure accuracy and maximize understanding.

"This is what I've heard you tell me, do I have it right?"

• Lets the speaker know what they are saying is important, and you have time to listen.
• Multiple invitations often lead to "Oh, by the way...." which may be the core info.
• Let the speaker decide when the story is done.

Speaking Skills

1. Speak for Self - I statements
2. Giving Sensory Data - 6 senses - see, hear, touch, taste, smell, intuit
3. Expressing Thoughts - after seeing / hearing/ etc. this means something for or about me.
4. Declare Feelings - that thought makes me feel (mad, sad, glad, afraid)
5. Disclosing Wants - I do or don't want that feeling to continue
6. Stating actions - In order to accomplish my wants, I will do______.

Adapted from: Miller, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., & Miller, P. (1992) Connecting with Self and Others. Interpersonal Communication Program, Inc. : Littleton, Co

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Communicating with Distressed Clients

Identifying dangerous situations, Creating Clear Communication, and Dealing with Stress.

Claire E. Hebbard, NY FarmNet

Objectives:

1. Review some signals of potentially violent people
2. Safety guidelines.
3. Improve communication with distressed people
4. Clear communication - achieving goals
5. Review stress management techniques
   

Review some signals of potentially violent people

• Situation: Routine vs. Crisis situation
  • Routine - functioning adequately
  • Crisis - dangerous to self or others
  • Change from routine, any new situation has nothing to compare it to, -potentially dangerous
    
• Verbal cues: Abusive language, Direct threats,Incessant talking, loud voices, forced teaming (Using "we"), charm and niceness (verb), too many details, typecasting (you probably wouldn't believe me, but...., unsolicited promises, discounting "no"
  
• Behavioral Cues: flaring nostrils, dilated pupils, teeth grinding, pulsing veins, fist clenching, loud voices, inability to sit still, wild - uncontrolled gesturing,
  
• Intuitive Cues: Greatest resource is your intuition, nagging feelings, persistent thoughts, humor, anxiety, curiosity, hunches, gut feelings or doubt, hesitation, suspicion, apprehension, fear
  
• Perpetrators perceptions
  • Perceived justification (From What you've done angers me" to "you were wrong")
  • Perceived alternatives (what is the goal)
  • Perceived consequences - mob mentality, context
  • Perceived ability - physically able, previous history, weapons

Safety guidelines for dealing with potentially violent people (on-farm visits)

• Take someone with you
• Tell others where you are going
• Go to questionable places in the morning
• Meet in a public place
• Watch for signs indicating imminent violence
• Trust your instincts and leave
• If situation escalates, leave and call for help
• Never turn your back on a distressed person, or allow them to walk behind you
• Carry official ID
• Use reliable transportation
  • park with quick exit in mind
  • keep keys accessible (same place each time)
  • Respect a person's "physical space."
  • Stay aware of surroundings
  • Anticipate the unexpected, formulate a mental plan
  • Carry as little as possible - less to carry out
  • Wear practical footware

Improve communication with distressed people

• Distressed People Want:
  • To be taken seriously
  • To be treated with respect
  • To get immediate action
  • To gain compensation/restitution
  • To have the party who wronged them reprimanded and/or punished
  • To clear up the problem so it never happens again
  • To be listened to
    
• Do's
  • Be direct
  • Ask questions
  • Listen
  • Speak calmly and with assurance
  • Be truthful
  • Show that you care
  • Take the person seriously
  • Allow the person to vent feelings
  • Explore alternatives
  • Evaluate available resources
  • Get help
  • Manage your behavior
    • Remember your role
    • Match your response to situation
    • Avoid bargaining or using power
    • Be sensitive to alcohol/drug abuse
    • Avoid having displaced anger
    • Control your body language and voice
      
  • Manage Other's Behavior
    • Listen, listen, listen
    • Allow venting - consequences will come later
    • Maintain your distance
    • Control your movements/voice
  • Manage the situation
    • Assess what you can do.
    • Assess how much time you have
    • Involve others/get help
    • Try to have violent person "let" others leave (don't try to escape.)
    • Consider suicidal people to be homicidal
• Don'ts
  • Touch without explanation
  • Side step an issue
  • Promise you will keep secrets
  • Give advice
  • Make demands
  • Say that everything will be okay
  • Avoid dealing with the person
  • Plead
  • Take whatever the person says personally
  • Argue, judge, riducule, preach, threaten
  • Take away dignity/belittle
  • Take responsibility for controlling them
  • Tell them you know how they feel
  • Confront
  • Try to escape

Clear communication - achieving goals

• Assess your situation
• Determine goal for that situation
• Discuss ways to obtain your goal
• Use Awareness Wheel "Sense - Think - Feel - Want - Will Do"
• Use Active Listening
  • Look, listen, match and track.
  • Acknowledge
  • Invite more
  • Check it out
  • Summarize
    • Don't be thinking about your reply.
    • Don't judge.
    • Remain open minded
    • Use awareness wheel.
      

Review stress management techniques

• Job stress - the harmful physical and emotional responses that occur when the requirements of the job do not match the capabilities, resources, or needs of the worker.
• Job stress can lead to poor health and even injury.
• Different than a challenge.

• Warning Signs of Stress
  • Physical
    • aching muscles
    • raised blood pressure
    • stress-related illness
    • shortness of breath
    • cramps and fatigue
    • intestinal upset
  • Emotional
    • difficulty concentrating
    • irritability
    • impatience or frustration
    • overall sense of sadness
    • lack of energy
    • feelings of hopelessness
    • low self-esteem
    • emotional alientation
    • mood swings
  • Behavioral
    • excessive use of tobacco and alcohol
    • verbal or physical aggression
    • over- or under- eating
    • changes in sleep habits
    • difficulty being flexible
  • Relationship
    • communication problems
    • increased competition
    • conflict
    • relationship dissatisfaction
    • divorce
• Consequences of Stress
  • Declining health
    • Coronary heart disease
    • Hypertension
    • Depression
    • Anxiety
  • Decreased efficiency
  • Accidents
  • Damaged relationships
  • Depression
• Stress Management
  • Recognize your stress: Learn the early warning signs of stress
  • Shift from worrying to problem solving
  • Be flexible
  • Use clear communication
  • Balance work and relaxation
  • Take care of your body
  • Talk with others
  • Think positive thoughts
  • Celebrate family events/holidays
  • Get help when needed

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